ckings:

We’re all trying to get through each day without someone we love. We’re trying.

I don’t know what my son’s laugh sounds like.

It fucking kills me.

Everything’s getting worse: work, my anxiety about my son’s birthday, my general exhausted-ness, my period cramps.

Please excuse me while I cry.

So Heather and John had their baby and this morning Jimmy asked me if I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff to make them a care package and my heart dropped and I couldn’t breathe and I just said ‘I don’t know’ and kept my eyes closed like I was still sleeping.

I can’t do that. It’s too close to Joshua’s birthday, my anxiety is waay up now that it’s May 1st.

How do I tell my boyfriend that I’m crying because I miss my son? I miss him so bad it physically hurts. His birthday is soon.
How do I tell my boyfriend that he’s an asshole for no caring? How do I tell him that I’m not crying over nothing? That I had the worst dream last night, and it’s haunting me? That I’m not crying to manipulate him or get attention?

How do I tell my boyfriend that I had an anxiety attack in the shower and he was downstairs playing League?

How do I tell my boyfriend that I ACTUALLY feel like I’m dying?

Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll just suck it up because its easier that way.

But maybe I have to.

Must. Not. Cry.
Until later.

That moment when your anxiety comes almost a month early every year and you don’t know how to tell your boyfriend so you don’t.

GUYS I’M GETTING PICTURES OF MY LITTLE MAN SOON!

The lawyer sent them in the mail yesterday, so I’m hoping they’ll be here Monday! I am so excited but then also I’m really really nervous because I haven’t gotten new pictures in awhile and not since I’ve been down here (I don’t think).

It makes me really anxious just thinking about it, but whenever I get them I am so happy and I just want to show everyone and not care.

God he’s so big now. Like, he’s almost 3. He has a personality and a sense of humor and I know he’s smart and I just want to know what he’s like and who he is as a tiny little person. I want to be inside his world and know every detail about him. I am so proud of him.

And then this is where I stop writing because I’d rather be happy and proud of him than get all sad and depressed because I won’t be able to know him for a long time.

Okay, making a new text post about my life lately because that was a long one about my son<3

Get on tumblr.

Look up posts tagged: Adoption, Birth mom, Birth parent, Birthmother, etc.

Cry. You’re allowed to.

Remember that you have a son. He is real. And there’s a reason you miss him so much, even when it all just feels like a dream.

Keep crying. Remember to breathe.

Remember you’re okay. And if you’re not okay right now, that’s okay, too.

And when you can’t breathe and are about to have a panic attack, get on facebook. Post a status that releases some emotion without ‘asking for attention,’ or whatever.

Smoke a cigarette, you’re allowed to.

Text Jimmy & tell him how you feel. Even though he doesn’t understand & won’t know what to do.

[Decide against texting Jimmy right away and tweet about it instead. Text Jimmy when you stop crying enough to think of the right words.]

+ Make a tumblr post to help you get through this.

Happy birthday, Joshua.

Mommy loves you and misses you so much.

I hope you’re growing up happy and strong.

I’ll see you someday.

Ive been avoiding it. The past few days have been filled with great days and peaceful sleep. Now it’s all catching up to me and I’ll be paying for it with gut wrenching pain I can actually feel. This is what it’s like to lose a child. You can live your life and be actually happy, but every once in awhile (and sometimes more often during parts of the year) you must grieve and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening. It’s so painful but you get it over with and life goes on. I am happy, but I’m grieving. I’m okay, I just need to cry. I’ll be alright in the morning.

I am happy. I promise.