Oh my god I did it.
I just sent her a friend request and my heart is pounding and I might have an anxiety attack so just give me a few minutes I need to breathe. ‘
Anonymous asked: I think you should send it. Take a chance, it could turn out wonderful in the end. You'll never know unless you try. If she were a good amom she would understand and allow some contact at least not totally cut you out of his life for good. Take a chance.
Hey, anon. Thank you soo much, because that’s exactly what I wanted to hear. I know the reasoning is totally right, and I should definitely take a chance.
On the other hand, I know I’m getting my hopes up, and I also know that it probably won’t work.
I’m going to try it, I think.
Message me off anon?
Thank you, love<3
Guys I came to the conclusion that Michelle would NEVER add me, (because who would really want their son’s b-mom to creep on their life every day?) and because it might be against our contract.
But I still think I want to try it anyway,
because I need so badly to know something. Anything, really. 3 and a half years has been /really hard/, and I’ve got how many left? Could be 15, could be 18, could be more or less, and it’s possible that it will be forever.
So what do I do? I want so desperately to send this request and have her accept it and be forever
happy less sad.
But I know it probably won’t work.
This shit has been eating at me since he was 6 months old and I first discovered her page.
Ugh. I feel like now is the time to either send it, or decide that I never will.
Guys I really want to send my son’s amom a friend request on facebook… But I’m afraid she might not like that & then block me. And if she blocks me, I won’t ever be able to see her profile pictures again, which almost always have my son in them..
She doesn’t update her picture often, but I check it constantly to see if she has.
What should I do?
I want nothing more than to see all the pictures she has on facebook, but I’m scared I’ll lose the little I do have right now..
Oh dear, what do I do?
I WISH ID KNOWN WHAT TO ASK FOR
Oh my god I’ve never been more able to relate.
I miss my son a fucking lot tonight. Like when you have so much feels you can’t handle it and you think you’re gonna explode. Only I can’t let it out an idk why I just keep crying over little things and I gotta let this out but I’m just so scared bc I think if I start to let it out I won’t be able to stop.
Wow fuck. Fuck. I hate when this happens. Fuck. It’s been a long time and I’m not ready for this.
Today at work I went in to PT because a few oft residents were in there and I needed their lunch orders. I went to get Joan’s and Sean was working with her.
He told her, “Tell Jenna not to smoke.”
Joan was so surprised and upset and was all “omg you smoke?!?” And Sean said, “Yeah, and she has a KID!”
Joan got this look on her face that made me want to cry. She told me how ~horrible~ that was that I smoke. He asked me if I heard what she said and what word she used.
Here’s Sean, telling her that I do this ~horrible thing~ and I’m such a ~horrible mother~ and how do I explain that, yes I smoke. That’s my decision, and yes I have a son, but I gave him up for adoption, so no, I don’t fucking smoke around him. I wanted to burst into tears.
And I want to talk to Elliot about it because it was so unprofessional but I’m afraid I’ll just be a big crying mess.
I had such a bad day, and at the time it was bad, but I got over it bc I was so busy. But now I’m still upset about it and I’m all weepy and grumpy and angry.
And I’m all depressed and I’m trying not to be but I’m so tired and stressed and I need a break.
Fuck you Sean. It’s one thing to tell me not to smoke, but don’t get my residents AND MY FUCKING SON involved. That’s not fucking cool.
Oh god and this little boy that’s my son’s age is running around saying “Gina” and it just sounds so much like my name.
I hate being around little kids.
Because I don’t have the self control to not be the creepy stranger that is obsessed with everyone’s kids.
I can’t help it.
Jimmy had to pull me away from a little girl at the party tonight because I was being weird.
I’m going to cry now.
I want a baby.
The subject of child birth came up again…
My mum just said she was jokingly planning on hijacking the child. Saying there are “two of them (my parents) and one of me”…
This is the sort of thing im having to live with… Its my choice but Ive chosen wrong in her eyes…
I’m so sorry that you have to live with those kinds of comments.. I know how hard they are to hear, and how long stuff like that can stick with you.
The choice is none but yours, and your mom should not be sticking her two cents in whenever she gets the chance to make a “joke.”
Placing a child is not something to joke about. Really.
If you want to talk about it, I’m here. I’ve heard everything from “Oh, it makes me so sad that you gave your child away!” (like, really? It makes YOU sad?), to “Hey dad, happy Grandparents Day!” to which he replied “Yeah, not really” (That one hurt, and was a super complicated pile of emotions haha.)
Anyway, if you’d like advice about adoption, I’m always here. I had my son 3 1/2 years ago, and it’s been a hard journey. It’s always helpful to have as much support as possible.
Hang in there, love. <3
All I want to do is to be able to borrow someone’s baby for awhile and then cry and scream and miss my son like I’m supposed to but now it’s been so long since I’ve cried that it’s hard to and I just don’t know how to start.
I want a baby so bad. I always feel like something’s missing. And it’s so uncomfortable and it makes me so anxious but it’s just in the back of my mind so I can deal with it most days but days like today I’m just really good at noticing it.
And times like now when I really miss Joshua, I realize things. Like the fact that I never say his name.
It’s so painful.
And I realize if I did have another baby I would still feel this pain, and it would probably introduce more crazy emotions and I’m not sure which batch of emotions I would hate less.
At least I’m letting it out. It’s been too long.
But I’m so anxious, I feel like I’m being burned alive and the only thing that will make it go away is to have a baby in my arms right this second.
I am so panicking right now.
It will be over soon. I just need to stop writing and let this take it’s course.
"Sorry. I didnt answer right away. I was holding my friends baby. I want another one so bad. I know you understand what i mean by that."
For some reason this made me pretty upset and angry. I can’t really explain it, but it feels like she’s trying to equate her feelings of wanting another child to my own feelings.
Let me clarify: Our feelings are in NO way equal. She has never lost a child (I know this to be true) in any way. Yes, she is lonely, I understand. She feels like something major is missing from her life. I get that, and those feelings are valid.
But she has not experienced loss when it comes to children. Not her own, and no one in her family or close friends. (Again, she has told me this).
So it makes me really upset when people in general (especially her, because I know her experiences) try to make it seem like they “know” or they “understand” what I feel.
And I know she didn’t outright say it, but this is how I see it:
She said that she “knows I understand” what she means. That being said, it implies that we’ve shared similar experiences. That we’re in the same “club”.
Well, no, you don’t get to join. Group members only, closed meetings, go away, I’m trying to tend to my wounds and you’re making me angry.
Cried at the TV at Angel’s because of all the babies. I miss my son so much, and I also want to star having more kids. The one thing that’s killing me so much is just time, the one thing I can never change. 😥
A few things:
I’m 99% sure I just bawled my eyes out.
I’m 100% sure that I don’t remember cause I’m drunk.
If I did cry, it’s because I miss my son. Usually, that’s fairly normal. But I haven’t grieved for him in a very long time, at least 6 months, maybe even a year or so. I really couldn’t say.
Anyway, I sent KT Meyer (Moroski) a message on Facebook, thanking her. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea since I’m drunk, but I did anyway. I hope she understands. I know she will on some level, but as far as me being drunk, I hope she doesn’t notice. Because I honestly, truly, completely mean every word that I wrote.
She touched my heart. Lame and cheesy and stupid as it sounds, her story meant the world to me. And if she hasn’t told it, I’m not sure i would have recovered. Hell, I might be dead. Who knows. But because of her, I don’t have to find out. And I am beyond grateful that I don’t.